we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
