he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
