If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
