y did u give ur computer a hand job?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize