There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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