I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
