Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
