I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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