ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize