you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
