A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
