What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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