I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
