the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
