So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize