Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
