new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
