he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
