The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
