i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
