Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
