I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
