So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
