the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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