A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
bring money and cleavage
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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