When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
