They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize