you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
