you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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