mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Your cock deserves a montage
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
