I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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