I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
