Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
