Don't make out with my wife yet
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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