1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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