I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
