you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
