I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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