Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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