Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
