If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
