I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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