Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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