remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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