if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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