i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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