True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
