The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
