Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We need to rekindle our bromance
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
