I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
