I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
