FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
