neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
