You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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