I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
