it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize